Where it all began
My first blog post is a bit…scary, but I guess everyone has to start somewhere. So here goes nothing!
I absolutely have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to writing, blogging or publishing books. What I’m beginning to realize though is that it doesn’t really matter. At least not to me anyways. Not anymore. Not knowing how to do things exactly perfect, not having a college degree in the subject, or not having done extensive research and being an “expert.” It definitely used to matter to me, in my younger days. That is something I’ve been working through the last few years of my life, not worrying so much about judgements and criticism from others, but mostly from myself. I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be. Almost to the point where it could be considered torturous.
What does matter, at least in my opinion, is what you get from writing and the reasons behind it. A person’s why. Not that it is “perfectly” written, grammar is impeccable, that you have a million followers, etc. etc. Although all those things are great, you shouldn’t let not having those things, stop you from expressing yourself. In whatever form that may be for you. The fear of not doing things right or that I wasn’t good enough, and especially what others might think often times would stop me from doing them entirely.
In the last few years, I came to the realization that being close to mid-way through life, I was wondering what my purpose is. I think that is a question many people ask once they reach middle age. It’s normal I suppose. You hear of men who divorce their spouse all of the sudden, find a woman twenty years younger and buy a Porche. Or women who up and leave their children and move to sail around the world. Or a person who quits their corporate high paying job that they went to college and got a costly degree for, to start a baking business from home. Luckily for me, my “mid-life crisis” or “awakening” was not as drastic as others might be. Mine really began after having my daughter and wondering if this was it? Am I just a mother? Am I just supposed to work, take care of my daughter, eat, sleep, repeat? Day after day? Then we call that life? While those daily things are great and wonderful and I love my daughter and being her mom more than anything in this world, I felt at the time something was missing. What though?
For me, after years of mistakes, trials and lots of errors, learning, growing, self-reflection, therapy and trying almost every kind of modality you can think of to heal and better myself, I came to several realizations. One was that I wasn’t living for myself. I had always been living under the expectations of what I thought others wanted of me. What I should do. Who I should be. What I should look like. Let me tell you from LOTS of experience, that is no way to live. It’s a recipe for disaster and that’s the path I was on at the time.
I came across advice that suggested trying to do things you enjoyed as a kid, to try and find what may bring you happiness. Back when you did things purely for the fun and enjoyment of doing them. When there was no expectation or outcome. No deadlines. Back before the world sucked you in with its negative side and having to “grow up.” Things that were just for fun and play, which as an adult, I hadn’t thought about or done in years.
In looking back on my childhood, I tried to remember what I used to enjoy doing for fun. It was hard for me to do actually; I hadn’t done anything for “fun” in a long time. As I looked back through old photos and videos, schoolwork my mother had saved and lots of artwork, I began to remember. I used to love animals, photography, drawing and writing. I even had one made into a hardback book as a second grader and my teacher had entered my short story into some kind of book for writing about my dad my junior year of high school. I had completely forgotten all of this, and pushed this part of me aside once I was a teenager. Getting boyfriends, jobs, life. It all becomes more important. Until one day, you are in your 40’s wondering “what happened?”
In an attempt to uncover what truly makes me happy and hopefully find some purpose in my life, with the help of watching my sweet daughter grow and reconnecting with my own inner child, I have started making an effort to tap back into these aspects of myself I ignored for so long. Writing and art have definitely played a huge role in this, as well as a great connection my daughter and I share together with it. She has been a huge inspiration for me on many levels.
Sharing your art or creativity with others, let alone the world, is a whole other ball of wax and one I will probably write about in the future. Sharing your most inner representations and expressions of what a person feels inside is a truly vulnerable and courageous feat. It may not be part of what gives every person purpose or joy, but it can definitely be a helpful piece in finding connection and healing.
Everyone’s process, journey and what they feel their purpose might be is different of course, this has been a little bit about me trying to discover mine. I hope whatever yours is, may you find time to do it and the joy it could bring to your life. Whatever age or stage you happen to be in.
