Going back to work

It’s 6am and I can’t sleep. Sam woke up at about 4:45 to nurse, and I’ve been tossing and turning since I put him back down.

With about a month and a half left to my Maternity leave, I’m getting increasingly anxious about going back to work. In Canada, we are very fortunate to have 12 months of maternity leave, which is awesome and I try really hard to be thankful for that and think of all the women who are not so lucky.

That said – I am very apprehensive about my return. I like my job – my team of 20 year olds is great, and I love working with young adults. I like the projects I’m given, the difference we’re making in the students lives, the meetings, etc. But deep down, I know I’m never, ever going to feel as completely happy as I am raising my son, and that scares me. I don’t want to spend my time doing something I don’t love. Don’t get me wrong- being at home with S isn’t always easy – it’s challenging and sometimes long, even. But each day I am with him I feel so fulfilled. All I was ever really sure of was that I wanted to be a mom – so maybe that’s all I should be doing?

Thinking of not working is exciting for about 3 minutes, because the excitement and joy at the thought is soon replaced by worry. How would we make ends meet without my income? Of course, we could cut down our expenses, get a smaller home, budget more. But then what about S? I want him to be able to sign up for sports, to visit his cousin in the Yukon, to go away to Summer Camp, and have a nice yard where he could play. And don’t even get me started on retirement!

My husband is a very hardworking entrepreneur, and his startup is doing well. The stability, though, just isn’t there – so is it a good idea to depend on him financially?

I just want my son to have everything, and keep going over the scenarios in my head, the thoughts bouncing around like a pingpong ball and going back and forth, with every “maybe I…” followed by “but then…”

How did you decide to work or stay home? I need perspective.

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